Detroit Jewish News

viewpoints » S e n d l e t t e r s t o : l e t t e r s @ t h e j e w i s h n e w s . c o m 6 June 23 • 2016 D E T R O I T J E W I S H N E W S theJEWISHNEWS.com To make a donation to the DE TROIT JEWISH NEWS FOUNDATION go to the website www.djnfounadtion.org Arthur M. Horwitz Publisher / Executive Editor ahorwitz@renmedia.us F. Kevin Browett Chief Operating Officer kbrowett@renmedia.us | Editorial Managing Editor: Jackie Headapohl jheadapohl@renmedia.us Story Development Editor: Keri Guten Cohen kcohen@thejewishnews.com Arts & Life Editor: Lynne Konstantin lkonstantin@renmedia.us Senior Copy Editor: David Sachs dsachs@renmedia.us Editorial Assistant: Sy Manello smanello@renmedia.us Senior Columnist: Danny Raskin dannyraskin@sbcglobal.net Contributing Editor: Robert Sklar rsklar@renmedia.us Contributing Writers: Ruthan Brodsky, Suzanne Chessler, Annabel Cohen, Don Cohen, Shari S. Cohen, Shelli Liebman Dorfman, Adam Finkel, Ryan Fishman, Stacy Gittleman, Judy Greenwald, Ronelle Grier, Esther Allweiss Ingber, Harry Kirsbaum, Barbara Lewis, Rabbi Jason Miller, Alan Muskovitz, Robin Schwartz, Steve Stein | Creative Services Corporate Creative Director: Deborah Schultz dschultz@renmedia.us | Advertising Sales Sales Director: Keith Farber kfarber@renmedia.us Account Executives: Kathryn Andros, Wendy Flusty, Andrea Gusho, Annette Kizy, Paige Lustig Sales Manager Assistants: Joelle Harder, Karen Marzolf | Business Offices Billing Coordinator: Pamela Turner Collections Analyst: Hazel Bender | Production By FARAGO & ASSOCIATES Manager: Scott Drzewiecki Designers: Amy Pollard, Pam Sherevan, Michelle Sheridan, Susan Walker | Detroit Jewish News Chairman: Michael H. Steinhardt President/Publisher: Arthur M. Horwitz ahorwitz@renmedia.us Chief Operating Officer: F. Kevin Browett kbrowett@renmedia.us Controller: Craig R. Phipps Corporate Creative Director: Deborah Schultz dschultz@renmedia.us | Fulfillment circulationdesk@thejewishnews.com Customer Service Manager: Zena Davis | Departments General Offi ces: 248-354-6060 Advertising: 248-351-5107 Advertising Fax: 248-304-0049 Circulation: 248-351-5174 Classifi ed Ads: 248-351-5116 Advertising Deadline: Monday, 2 p.m. Editorial Fax: 248-304-8885 Deadline: All public and social announcements must be typewritten and received by noon Tuesday, nine days prior to desired date of publication. Subscriptions: 1 year . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $85 2 years . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $153 3 years . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $204 1 year out-of-state . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $125 2 years out-of-state . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $225 Per year foreign . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $300 Detroit Jewish News 29200 Northwestern Highway, Suite 110 Southfi eld, MI 48034 ©copyright 2016 Detroit Jewish News T he evening news has recently been dominated by stories of unexpected loss, and these tragedies continue to make headlines every day. The tragedy in Orlando is the most recent national event that has thrust our communities into grieving. For those of us who work with patients and families facing death every day, adding the national grief of an unanticipated tragedy is all the more unsettling. We all share a common thread with the victims in Orlando and their loved ones — when someone loses a life unexpectedly, family and friends are left to cope with the loss of someone whom they loved dearly. Experiencing the loss of a loved one is always challenging, but a sudden loss can be shocking and even unimaginable. In the back of our minds, we understand that no one lives forever. When someone we love has a terminal illness or has reached the end-stages of their life, we have time to make preparations and say our goodbyes. However, an untimely death can leave us feeling lost, out-of-control and overwhelmed with pain. Those who experience unexpected loss may feel angry by the sudden death, cheated of a last goodbye or sad that they didn't per- form some final act of kindness before their loved one died. Missing out on saying goodbye can leave us feel- ing distressed, adrift and angry, which only adds to our grief, pain and sadness during an already difficult time. Although it may be hard to imagine during the months and even years after a sudden death, it's important to remember that surviving through grief and loss is possible. While everyone grieves differently, ultimately we each work through the pain to begin the healing process. As we go through a grief journey, it's important to also focus on our health and emotions. After a loss, we may find ourselves eating or sleeping less; but both are key to healing. We should also be honest with ourselves and deal with our emotions — repressing feelings only delays the grieving process. Crying doesn't mean we are weak or that we're being selfish; it means that we are human. Support groups and counselors are valu- able resources for those who have experi- enced a loss. They can be found through faith-based organizations such as churches or synagogues, community centers or non- profit community-based support and grief programs. Many programs are tailored to specific needs such as dealing with an unex- pected loss and are often low-cost or free. The comprehensive grief support services provided through Hospice of Michigan across the state of Michigan are always pro- vided to the community at no cost, whether or not the person has had a loved one use its hospice or palliative care services for adults or children. Ultimately, it's important to keep that loved one close to your heart and honor him or her by living a fulfilling life. During the difficult times following an unexpected loss, we can find comfort by trusting that the per- son we loved would want us to live our lives to the fullest. * Bob Cahill is president and CEO of Hospice of Michigan. Bob Cahill guest column Dealing With Unexpected Grief And Loss O n July 17, 2006, my brother, Jeff Grey, was killed in a tragic acci- dent while working as director of Tamarack Camps' Camp Kennedy. He was on a canoe trip with campers. That night a tree fell on his tent and took his life. He was 26. Over the past decade, I have experienced many different per- spectives surrounding my brother's death. Initially, I found myself in the devastation perspective. I felt waves of excruciating pain shoot- ing through my body. I cried with an abundance of tears that were accessible at all times. I was often zombie-like and could barely function internally. During these dark days, I could not imagine it was possible to be in any place other than devastation. During the first few years after Jeff was killed, I found myself fluctuating between the devastation and the resilient perspective. When I lived from a place of resilience, I was putting one foot in front of the other, forging ahead and found myself able to go through the motions of each day. I got out of bed, exercised, went to work and even socialized. But I felt numb to life. I was either resilient or falling back into devastation. I had surren- dered to the idea that this is the way my life would be. I felt stuck. Eventually, the resilient perspective left me feeling hungry for more out of my life. I coveted happiness and joy. I began seeking for connection within myself and in my life, and slowly made a conscious shift around the realization that I had choice in my perspec- tives. Through my own personal work, I learned to practice shifting to the present moment. I started to do check-ins to assess what was really true in each moment for me. I defi- nitely missed my brother, but began to have awareness around the fact that I was not in pain at every moment. I allowed myself to be present and began noticing positive feelings bub- bling up in my life. Sometimes I fall into the "what-if " perspective. What if Jeff 's tent was 10 feet to the right? What would Jeff be doing in his life now? I think about what it would be like for my children to know him. I try not to go there, but it happens. In the place of what-if, I also ques- tion: Would I be as grateful as I am now if I hadn't experienced such a deep loss? Would I be as happy, healthy, connected or spiritual as I am now? I consciously choose not to stay in the what-if perspective for too long. I have found this place does not serve me and quickly return to the present moment. Over the years, I came to a deep under- standing around having conscious choice in the perspectives I stood in around this loss. Eventually, I was easily able to shift my per- spective to gratitude. In this place, I am truly touched by what is real in my life now rather than being defined by what my life once was. Choosing gratitude does not mean I don't experience sadness or emptiness at times. It means I can be grateful for all of my feelings and experiences because they are uniquely mine. At times, I find I am standing in the joy perspective. From here, I am genuinely connected to the abun- dance of bliss, humor and beauty around me. Over the past 10 years since Jeff 's death, these perspectives have marked my experience and, ultimately, my growth. I learned that while perspectives are something that seem to just be a part of who we are, it is possible to consciously choose a perspective and regain a sense of control over life again. This is a particularly powerful lesson when experiencing tragedy, loss and the accompanying grief. Today, I choose pres- ence, abundance and gratitude. * Emily Grey Berman is a personal empowerment life coach who guides others on their journeys to self- discovery, happiness and desires to live fulfilled lives (www.coachingwithemily.com). Emily Grey Berman Remembering Jeff A weekend of remembrance for Jeff Grey will be held July 15-17, starting with a 6 p.m. Shabbat dinner at Temple Israel in West Bloomfield. From 6-10 p.m. Saturday, July 16, at Bowl One in Troy, there will be bowling, storytelling, music and food at a fundraiser for the BBYO Jeff Grey Memorial Fund (bbyo.org/ jeffgreymemorialfund/). From noon-3 p.m. Sunday, July 17, a Jeff Grey Campfire Circle will be held at Tamarack Camps in Ortonville. Bring a picnic lunch. Singing, storytelling and swimming. RSVP by July 8: http://bit.ly/23aJc8I. guest column After A Personal Tragedy, Perspectives Evolve Jeff Grey, 1979-2006

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